Warning: This post may be hazardous to your health

If you like desserts, you probably should not read this post. Stop right now, or it might be hazardous to your health! I’ll put the break here so that you can’t see what’s coming without clicking. Maybe that will save you. Go away and pretend that you like brussels sprouts.

I used to look at cookbooks, but they never seemed to yield amazing recipes for things that I ought to eat, like vegetables. Instead, I was magically drawn to the dessert section. More often than not, I would find a new dessert recipe that I had to try. This was bad. That’s why I rarely look at cookbooks anymore.

Enter blogs. I wasn’t looking for blogs about cooking, but somehow they found me. It’s Pioneer Woman’s fault, really. When I found her blog, I spent 2+ hours reading her Black Heels to Tractor Wheels series, and she was so funny that I had to sign up for her feed.

Pioneer Woman talks a lot about cooking. I don’t think I’ve actually tried any of her recipes yet, despite her insistence that I should do so today. So I would say that she hasn’t done any damage yet, but she is definitely an accomplice. See, Pioneer Woman introduced me to Bakerella and Smitten Kitchen.

First I saw Pioneer Woman’s beautiful food photos. These photos tempted me even when she made things with ingredients I despise, like red peppers and mushrooms.

The temptation became utterly irrational during the Bakerella series. It’s a good thing that I don’t have a little girl, or I’m positive I would have made Hello Kitty cake pops. Since I have no little girl and no upcoming children’s birthday parties, I finally convinced myself that cake pops had an extremely high work-to-satisfaction ratio. With that thought I narrowly escaped the temptation.

Then Smitten Kitchen came along. I thought I was safe, because the first post that I saw on her site was for pickled grapes with cinnamon and black pepper. I almost didn’t read any further.

Unfortunately for me, the next post was about cinnamon rolls. I had been wanting a new recipe for cinnamon rolls, so I actually printed out the recipe. This was getting dangerous.

Then I scrolled down further and found the chocolate caramel crack(ers). I was not going to make them because I didn’t have saltines or matzo crackers. The matzo crackers would surely be expensive, and I didn’t want to make them with saltines. I don’t know why.

Then one day I went to Walmart and there, on a clearance cart, were matzo crackers. At first, I just saw the gigantic box. There was no way I was buying $7 worth of matzo crackers. But then I found the smaller box, just under $1. I gleefully purchased the matzos and made the crack(ers). I should have known better, especially when so many comments said that they are addicting.

It’s also SK’s fault that I made bagels, even though I didn’t use her recipe. She reminded me that I love homemade bagels, so it’s still her fault. Actually, now that I think about it, Pioneer Woman contributed to the bagel problem.

The last thing in the world that I need is more desserts and starches. And that’s why I say that these blogs are worse than cookbooks! Cookbooks have relatively few tantalizing pictures. Compared to blogs, they’re very boring.

Like the cookbooks, these blogs don’t offer me vegetables. Oh no! They present desserts in all of their delightful glory. They extol the virtues of homemade breads. They insist that I must try their recipes at my earliest inconvenience. They practically push me out the door to buy the ingredients. I can’t help myself.

Whatever you do, you must not read blogs like the ones I have just mentioned. They look innocent, but they might kill you.

Written by in: Shameless Academic |
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